Monday October 27, 2008 was a typical fall day. The leaves had mostly fallen, the sky was grey and cloudy. But what started out as a normal day would end very differently. I was about 8 or 9 weeks pregnant with my 3rd and feeling great, until that day. I had started bleeding and my husband drove me and our 2 daughters to my OB office. It was there that I found out I probably had an ectopic pregnancy. My husband and daughters were with me in the exam room. I tried very hard not to be sad or cry – I didn’t want to scare the kids. My doctor wanted me to immediately have laparoscopic surgery and a D&C. I just felt numb.
I will never forget being wheeled down to surgery by myself, since my husband had to be with our other kids. The nurse who was with me during the pre-op was so kind and sweet. He took my hand and told me that they would probably find “remains” and asked if I wanted them blessed. I will never forget that word, “remains”. Until then I had just thought of it as a bunch of cells, not a “real” person yet. I think that’s when it really hit me, I lost a baby! I lost that new pregnancy ornament I wanted to get for our Christmas tree. I lost a person at our dinner table. I lost the hopes and dreams for this child…would it be a boy after two girls? Would it have my blue eyes or my husband’s brown eyes? I would never know. But the hardest was that my girls lost their baby brother or sister. How would I tell them? How would they react?
The days after the surgery were a blur. I cried some, slept a lot. I was sore and in physical pain, and the pain was a constant reminder of what had happened. Each day got a little easier, a little less “sore” than the day before. My oldest daughter, who was 4, asked a lot of questions. We told her the truth, that the baby had died.
I also had the daunting task of telling my friends and family what had happened. I didn’t mind, most people were very kind and expressed their deepest sympathies, but there were some who did not understand, they couldn’t comprehend why I was sad, why I was mourning, some even told me to “get over it”. Many thought, it was so early, you aren’t attached yet. I hope for their sake that they never have to understand. I also will never forget looking over at my husband one night, probably a month after the surgery, and his face was red, his eyes were watery. I asked him what was wrong, and he just said that he was sad about the baby. Until then I had felt it was my loss; I had forgotten that he lost a baby too. He had been so busy taking care of me that he hadn’t mourned yet. We hugged and cried together. Knowing that he hurt too began the healing process. It also really helped me to talk to others who knew how I felt and who understood that I needed to mourn. I also like to be a listening ear to moms who are going through the pain of losing a baby, letting them know they are not alone and that their feelings are normal.
It has been almost a year and a half since I lost that baby. I have since had a baby girl who I love very much! I still often wonder about my baby in Heaven. I still get sad, especially on the due date or on that October day when my life was changed, and even today as I write this. The pain lessens, and things change, but he/she is a part of our lives, a part of our family and that part will never change.
As Mother’s Day approaches, I think about my family and how my role as a mother is ever changing. We don’t have any special traditions we do every year; the kids usually make cards and breakfast for me. When I was pregnant with my first, my husband gave me a simple necklace, my very first Mother’s Day gift. When a new child is born he gives me the birth stone on Mother’s Day. Last year he gave me one for our Angel baby; it was the June birth stone since he/she was due in June. I like knowing that all my children are always with me; it reminds me that no matter how long someone is with us, they are forever in our hearts!
